He yells, "say something else and I'll whoop your ass!" she sits there on edge... afraid of what he'll do this time!
She's quiet... out of fear because this is not her first time being in this position; but it seems like even her silence is still stirring the pot.
So she attempts to diffuse the situation by leaving, only for him to leap towards her and start choking her!
You see this is an ongoing battle of tug a war... where she feels controlled and decides to rebel and then in turn he flexes his muscles.
She just wants to be free to be exactly who she is and not feel like she is in relationship with her father (or an authority figure). His insecurities (that she may or may not have caused) cause him to dictate and control her every move!
In this situation who will ever win? How will either feel happy?
He feels betrayed!
She feels neglected!
He feels disrespected!
She feels misunderstood!
He feels insecure!
She feels belittled and broken!
She feels like her rebellion is causing him to respond like this... or maybe she isn't doing a good job at being a woman/mother??? She reasons with the craziness and dysfunction...because she wants her relationship to work! After all, who will want a seasoned woman with children??? (At least that's what everyone tells her)
How hard can it be...I don't want my children to be apart of another broken family! Women have tolerated for centuries.. that's what we're supposed to do, right?
I mean... outside of his temper... he is a good provider...all of our days aren't bad ones...
It'll get better...right??
These are often the "last" thoughts of most people in abusive relationships... thinking it will get better and rationalizing with themselves. Don't stay in an hostile situation...ever! Because the next fight may be your last one... make a cautious decision so you can be here tomorrow for your children!
For help contact:
Phone number: 1-800-799-7233
Every day I get up and get ready for work… staring at my closet. Not because I feel I don’t have anything to wear, like most girls do when they really just want to go on a shopping spree, but because I do not like my body.
I stare in the mirror only to realize… I am the biggest(fattest) I have ever been in my life. I don’t understand how I got here at all!
I put on a front…like I am aiming to be a part of the BBW world! But the truth is I am not there now! This muffin top is whack and this back fat is irritating!!!!
So why am I not doing anything about it? Yes, I have changed my diet…increased my water intake…but why haven’t I worked out? Why haven’t I made drastic changes? Why am I still falling to the temptation of Chocolate cake!!!???
There is no reason at all! I just over analyze, over think, and procrastinate…
When I decided I wanted to Leap and become an entrepreneur… I had hesitations but ultimately, I took the leap so why not just do this? In fact, you must Just Do It…because for some of us… we would never move, never grow, and never take chances because it is easy to be complacent and comfortable!! But it takes guts, work and dedication to Do.
The same rules must apply to every aspect of your life…. You must Start by Starting!
Raising a young black man in this world is the hardest thing I have ever had to do! Every day I am terrified if one of mine or his decisions, could cause our world to crumble.
Each day is a dance or even a chess match…
I ponder….do I let him go to the party? Do I let him hang with his friends? Can I safely let him walk home? Is it safe for him to get in that vehicle? We have multiple scenarios to consider and many things to fear.
Then there’s the local knuckleheads who want to be “hood legends”. They are willing to take another person’s life just for some social media fame. Will he fall victim to drugs and alcohol? Then there is the police force, will he encounter someone who is having a bad day? Or on a power trip? Or a rookie who is terrified and trigger happy?
I also have to wonder about his decisions… will he take the constant jewels(advice) his family gives him? Will he be wise and learn from other people’s mistakes or just be smart and learn from him making his own mistakes? Does he need to play with fire multiple times to understand that it burns or can he feel the heat and recognize the damage it can do from a distance? Will he listen to the demands for him to be responsible with his seed and the constant reminders to strap up! The talks about staying away from drugs, even though it is glorified in today’s music and television.
Plus, my own inner struggles… I have always wanted to give my children what I did not have (materialistically and emotionally) but what I ended up doing was creating a spoiled child whom I had to break.
I say break, because if I didn’t, this world would not only break him, but spit him out!
I refuse to raise a young man whom feels entitled and superior, in a world that will try to box him in daily through stereotypes, racism, politics and the color of his skin!
No! I must educate him about “white and economic privilege”, bigotry, ignorance, what it means to be selfless, how to be a good husband, how to respect women, how to respect adults, how to treat his siblings, understanding the value of a dollar, and how to survive in this cold-cold world…
Raising a young man has never been easy, but now, in this day and age… with all of the negative images that are being shown daily; it is the most daunting task ever!
While raising your young black men, (especially single mothers) be mindful of what you are instilling inside of them? Are you just raising a stylish “boy” who can say “I keep a horseshoe on my @$$ and J’s on my feet”; who will end of being a women’s pain in the butt?????
Or are you raising a young man, who will be a provider and protector of his family; whom will be feared by the knowledge and wisdom that he has obtained in his life!
Be conscious of your intuition when raising children, it’s always spot on!
~ Redefined Soul ~
Dear Mr. & Mrs. IfTheShoeFitsWearIt,
You tried to kill me!
With all your negative words, back stabbing, fake love and side eyes…
When I thought you had my back and were rooting for me, you were praying for my downfall all along…In my face, you gave me concern and care so I thought it was genuine.
but then again, sometimes I wondered why it felt like it was laced with a baby oak tree.
You tried to take me out by slandering my name and leading or taking part in disloyal conversations about me..
You told me you had my back and was supportive with your lips but rarely showed it with your actions or with your love.
You told me you were praying for me but all the while, you never uttered a word. You cursed me with your words and was happy and inwardly satisfied when you seen me stumble.
I would just like to say to those who I am talking to… Thank You!
You tried to take me out but I’m still here. Please know I forgive you and release you in love.
I know many of my friends grew up under the same teachings and disciplinary actions. For most, in consisted of three steps.
Step 1 is the look, every black parent in the world has a look that they give you. Usually it is given in public places like church, restaurant, or a store. Step 2 of correction is a calm but stern mumble about how they gone beat our tails if we don’t get our life in order. This may come with a pinch or a twisting of an ear but consider it your final warning. The final step is Step 3, this could consist of many different creative techniques. You may get it with a shoe, a belt, a switch or the open hand…. Regardless, you were getting it!
Now, that we have all survived our childhood and are raising our own children. We have decided to take on “new” ways of raising them. We want to talk to them multiply times about the same things… We allow them to dictate when they are going to move and do something. And, we allow them to give us a budget on what we are spending on them. Most operate daily with a sense of entitlement!
Are we helping our children or hurting them?
Why are we giving our children things they don’t deserve? We rush to the store to buy them the latest pair of gym shoes and/or apparel every time they mention it or whine for it. Isn’t this behavior setting them up for failure?
How often are you talking to the same child about their grades? About their behavior at home, or in school? Parents, have you checked in with your child’s teachers this year? Are they just pushing your child through because they don’t know how to act and the teacher fears them? Are they really grasping the knowledge and retaining the education?
Are we substituting love with things!?
Do our children know the value of a dollar? That was the initial reasoning for allowances, but most of us blew that too. At the rate, some of these children are going… they are going to feel inadequate without the hottest items. Which will set them up for self-esteem issues, insecurities, and even worse jail; because when they become adults and they can’t afford these items, how do you think they are going to get them?
Don’t get me wrong, every child is different…. Some children only need a stern talking to. While others may need to be raised under an iron fist.
These are my thoughts surrounding a generation I feel is lost, most of them have no sense of loyalty, responsibility, or respect. So, my call to action for us parents are to correct it while you still have a chance! No one is saying you need to whoop your kids today (some may need to though) but reevaluate your role in their life. Are you preparing them for adulthood and setting them up for failure…
In the beginning, I only chose to be a Naturalista because I hate long term relationships with hair! I love to change my hair up, all the time! I need versatility in my life without going for broke every week with bundles and wigs. And so, everyone was being brave and doing the big chop, so it seemed exciting to me and I began to research.
It had little to do with me wanting to embrace who I was as a Queen or because I was coming in touch with my African roots, or even because I was fascinated with my heritage. For me, it more so had to do with me needing change!
I am one of those crazy people, that if you tell me I can’t do something; I’m going to make sure I do it and do it successfully and do it quickly!
So, I brought it to my family; just to get their input… and half of them, looked at me like I was crazy! The other half didn’t believe I had the kahunas to do it… So, on April 14th, 2014 I did the big chop….
Are you wondering why I gave you the (…) well honey, at first I was wondering what the “French toast” I just did! Secondly, I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking now what?
Well, now this means I can never leave the house without mad accessories! I am going to always need earrings, scarves, and my clothes are going to have to always be on point! After this pep talk with myself, I was good and it slowly grew on me.
Over time, I began to fall in love with myself for the first time. My grandmother has always preached, a woman’s hair is her crown! But I was beginning to realize that my hair was not my crown and it did not make me a Queen; however, my soul, spirit, mind and attitude is what made me a Queen!
My royalty, it came from within and it was time for me to operate as such! I needed to carry myself as a Queen, always, even when I didn’t feel like it. Eventually, it becomes a part of your DNA.
Now, I cannot imagine my image with the versatility of my hair. It is a part of my brand, it is a part of my culture, and it is a part of my story!
I held the phone, with a lump stuck in my throat… my sister on the other end of the phone yelling.
“Did you hear what I said?” I am silent, tears streaming down my face.
“Kelly are you still there? “I’m on my way to you right now if you don’t respond….”
I’m here and I heard you, I responded. I gotta go, I will talk to you later…
I disconnected the phone. I was numb, and at a loss for words. My sister called me hysterical to tell me my Grandmother had died.
I didn’t think I would care because our relationship was so strained… and with her actions in all of my years and in our last interaction she made it very clear that she tolerated me but did not like me… At our last encounter, she proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t ever going to be anything and how I had embarrassed her. And let’s not forget, all I did was cause heartache in my family.
So in order to keep “the peace” or what I thought was “the peace” I did not communicate with her and she did not communicate with me. After all, she was the reason I had so many issues with woman in my life.
She knew her husband and sons were touching on me but continued to have an attitude towards me, like I was seducing grown men!!! Even, after all of that childhood trauma, I still tried to make her love me and like me by being extra helpful and going above and beyond whenever she needed aid. Only for her to constantly show her disdain for me.
Now, here I was…confused and heartbroken because she had been on my heart for weeks. My pride wouldn’t allow me to go see her, let alone, pick up the phone and call. Now the guilt was consuming me and I was left with the feeling of emptiness because I had no closure.
My entire life, I have lived with this anger and frustration surrounding this situation. But what has it gained me? Nothing! It has actually taken away from my happiness…
But I thought I had time, she was young…
It is one of the most difficult attitudes to operate in! It’s right up there with patience and process… Patience seems like it is at an all-time low when it comes to people in friendships and relationships. Everyone hates to go through the process but loves the outcome. To simplify it with an example; “everyone wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to die to get there” or “Everyone wants success but does not want to put in the long hours and grind it takes to get there”.
The same thing goes for forgiveness… everyone wants it but no one wants to give up. What we all need to realize is that to forgive, is to love; because neither can exist without the other.
Forgiveness is never for the other person but it’s for you!
When someone hurts you, they take power over you. When you choose not to forgive them, they keep the power over you. But once you forgive them…you take the power back!
Unforgiveness is like a cancer, it is poisonous to your body and if you continue to keep it in your body it will eventually kill you! Unforgiveness triggers bitterness, resentment, anger and it keeps you from giving your God given best!
Remember, once you forgive them… forgive yourself! Once you learn how to forgive you can be free…
“It’s the greatest gifts you can give yourself, forgive, forgive everybody” ~ Maya Angelou ~
~ Redefined Soul ~
Who Touched My Child?
My mommy comes to kiss me goodnight because she has to leave for work, and instantly I become terrified to go to sleep. She has been working 3rd shift for 6 months 2 weeks and 3 days...
After a few moments of silence, my fears subside, the house actually seems to be at peace tonight. No sooner than I let my guard down, in walks Tony. Who is Tony you ask? My mother’s boyfriend.
He strokes my hair in a creepy and yet endearing way. Kisses me on my forehead and proceeds to groping my breast... I wince and he whispers "you don't have to be scared of me". I’m here to make you feel good. I am here because I love you. Now, how backwards is that? If you love me, then why are you robbing me? Why are you scarring me? Why are you hurting? I thought love wasn’t supposed to hurt…
If you were wondered how I knew exactly how long my mother has been on this new shift, well this is why. I have been enduring this every day and she has no idea! Which is making me resent her and hate him! I really wish my daddy was around... I am only 12 years old!!! Why is this happening to me? How come no one can see my hurt, depression and pain? Why is my innocence being ripped from me? What did I do to deserve this?
When he’s all done using me up for the day; I feel nasty, better yet, filthy. I feel abandoned, ashamed, worthless, alone and suicidal. (This is the beginning of her never-ending cycle with men)
My grades have been on a rollercoaster for months now. I have tried everything, except slapping her, to get her attention. I have been sassy, I have had the worse attitude, I have been sweet as pie, I have run away, I have begged to live with other family members. But not once, did she ask me, “Is everything ok?” or “What’s going on?”
Unfortunately, this is the story of too many of our youth, young girls and boys. They live their lives in anguish because someone is touching them inappropriately and everyone is too busy or self-absorbed to notice. Most children internalize what is happening to them and believe it is their fault, so they won’t be forth coming with the information. Plus, an act like this, comes with guilt, shame and a whole heap of heaviness.
This type of trauma immediately sparks a cycle of bad relationships, insecurities (physical and sexual), addictions, an unhealthy understanding of what love is and what is supposed to feel like, and an emotional unbalancing within oneself.
1 in 10 children will be abused before their 18th birthday and out of all sexually abused children, 60% never tell. I am confident in saying 1 in every 4 adults was abused. Ask your friend sitting next to you, or your cousin… Better yet, parents, ask your adult children…
Since my children were little, I have always asked them "Has anyone touched you there?" "Do you know if someone does touch you, you can talk to your Tee-Tee (auntie) or I about it?" Because I want my children to know they have a Safe Haven...
The shame and guilt comes from the secrecy behind it, stop the silence and have the conversation with your children!
I looked up and saw a duplication of my dream and had the breath knocked out of me... Not only this, but the year was almost over and I had so many goals I had listed on my 2016 list and to only have gotten through half of them; I felt defeated.
I immediately began beating myself up for days of slackage... days I did not make any strides but stayed in place. Days I didn't write, days I didn't make it to the gym, days I didn't network, or days of not listening!
I was pissed at the weight I was still carrying! Contemplating on just getting the fat sucked out like the celebs! Knowing dang on well I need my coins and what satisfaction would I get from laying on a table? I mean let's be real, I would be ok with the results! However, there is a sense of accomplishment you receive when you get out the bed and hit the gym! Or turn down that chocolate cake (God knows I love chocolate cake).
I was irritated that someone else was starting a business similar to mine! I can't even explain the feeling that comes along with that!
As I was riding in the car with tears in my eyes, I was quickly reminded of the many accomplishments and strides I actually did make this year!!! But immediately rebuked for not listening when instructions were given! Don't miss your time and your grace by second guessing the voice... I am guilty of this! When you feel a press you need to seek God for confirmation and no matter how crazy it may seem. Jump!
So I say all of that to say, while I had not completed my 2016 list I had definitely put a dent in it! The year is not over with... and there is still breath in my body! Any thing is possible and I have to keep reminding myself that "what God has for me, is for me". I will listen, like a player waiting to be told to check into the game. The next time he speaks, I will move!
Keep encouraging yourself! We think because we declare something over our lives one time that it should be! That it should change our mindset immediately... No! You have to keep declaring daily!
•I am on top and all things are under my feet
•what God has for me is for me
•I am successful and prosperous!
•I am operating in the most updated version of myself!
•I refuse to accept mediocre in my life!
Renew your mind daily and don't allow circumstances, people or things to take you off course!
Remember, People throw rocks in glass houses everyday!
Be encouraged and keep moving your feet, one day you gone look up at be in the end zone!
What is your drug of Choice? *Self-Medication*
Hello, my name is Cheryl and I am an addict! This was my story for so long and I had no clue that I was self-medicating!
I had a Polysubstance Dependence, the clinical definition is: a person who is psychologically addicted to being in an intoxicated state without a preference for one particular substance. Although any combination of three drugs can be used, studies have shown that alcohol is commonly used with another substance.
Still can’t relate? Well let me help you…To put this in lament terms I did not care what I used to numb the pain! I used food, sex, alcohol, weed and attention (mostly from men but would take it from women too).
Maybe I haven’t touched on your thing yet, here are some more: Obsessive working, gambling, cigarettes, hard street drugs, plastic surgery, depression, shopping and your story! Yes, you can get high off telling your story (Thank You Iyanla for this revelation).
Now that you have identified you addiction, which masks your pain, you have to identify what you are actually feeling. You have to call a thing a thing! What is the source of your pain? Do you feel inadequate? Shameful? Guilty? Unloved? Not Worthy? Abandoned? Unappreciated?
In order to properly heal from the pain you have to Feel, Deal, and Heal… Once you can actually identify the source the healing process can begin, because you can expose it yourself. Your past is just that, your past! It was meant to shape you but not define who you are or who you will be.
I have battled with a measure of all of these symptoms. I would find a reason to go out every single night, couldn’t wait for someone’s birthday to come around so I could have a valid reason to “Turn Up”. Would drink my invisible sorrows away, smoke myself into another world so I didn’t have to deal with my reality. Get even higher off of the male attention I was given and the Power that came with the flirtatious conversations. String multiple men along if they were willing to fund my habits (symptoms) and then the worst of them all, the empty sex that comes along with this lifestyle…
No one could identify where I was because they were too consumed in their own lives and the ones who could see, I usually wore my “I’m Fine” and “Blessed and Highly Favored” mask for them. *shout out to Sonya Visor (www.sonyavisor.com) and TruU for the breaking of this never-ending cycle.
When you are the strong one, people don’t give you permission to hurt but keep this in mind. If you don’t take care of yourself first, it is impossible to give anyone else anything of substance. You will not only do them a disservice but yourself…
Did you know? When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief because they are stealing from you. They are stealing what you need and they don’t even know it! ~ Iyanla Vanzant
Sometimes you gotta be willing to lose everything to gain yourself!
It is self-full to put yourself first!
~ Redefined Soul ~
My writing style is strong enough for a man but balanced for a woman!