I held the phone, with a lump stuck in my throat… my sister on the other end of the phone yelling.
“Did you hear what I said?” I am silent, tears streaming down my face.
“Kelly are you still there? “I’m on my way to you right now if you don’t respond….”
I’m here and I heard you, I responded. I gotta go, I will talk to you later…
I disconnected the phone. I was numb, and at a loss for words. My sister called me hysterical to tell me my Grandmother had died.
I didn’t think I would care because our relationship was so strained… and with her actions in all of my years and in our last interaction she made it very clear that she tolerated me but did not like me… At our last encounter, she proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t ever going to be anything and how I had embarrassed her. And let’s not forget, all I did was cause heartache in my family.
So in order to keep “the peace” or what I thought was “the peace” I did not communicate with her and she did not communicate with me. After all, she was the reason I had so many issues with woman in my life.
She knew her husband and sons were touching on me but continued to have an attitude towards me, like I was seducing grown men!!! Even, after all of that childhood trauma, I still tried to make her love me and like me by being extra helpful and going above and beyond whenever she needed aid. Only for her to constantly show her disdain for me.
Now, here I was…confused and heartbroken because she had been on my heart for weeks. My pride wouldn’t allow me to go see her, let alone, pick up the phone and call. Now the guilt was consuming me and I was left with the feeling of emptiness because I had no closure.
My entire life, I have lived with this anger and frustration surrounding this situation. But what has it gained me? Nothing! It has actually taken away from my happiness…
But I thought I had time, she was young…
It is one of the most difficult attitudes to operate in! It’s right up there with patience and process… Patience seems like it is at an all-time low when it comes to people in friendships and relationships. Everyone hates to go through the process but loves the outcome. To simplify it with an example; “everyone wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to die to get there” or “Everyone wants success but does not want to put in the long hours and grind it takes to get there”.
The same thing goes for forgiveness… everyone wants it but no one wants to give up. What we all need to realize is that to forgive, is to love; because neither can exist without the other.
Forgiveness is never for the other person but it’s for you!
When someone hurts you, they take power over you. When you choose not to forgive them, they keep the power over you. But once you forgive them…you take the power back!
Unforgiveness is like a cancer, it is poisonous to your body and if you continue to keep it in your body it will eventually kill you! Unforgiveness triggers bitterness, resentment, anger and it keeps you from giving your God given best!
Remember, once you forgive them… forgive yourself! Once you learn how to forgive you can be free…
“It’s the greatest gifts you can give yourself, forgive, forgive everybody” ~ Maya Angelou ~
~ Redefined Soul ~
My writing style is strong enough for a man but balanced for a woman!